


The pull of this tide can only drown

by ThatWALKERKid



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst and Feels, F/M, Movie: The X-Files: Fight the Future (1998), Scully making decisions, This isn’t about him, is this the end?, mulder needs to get it together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-01
Updated: 2020-03-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:40:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22964044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWALKERKid/pseuds/ThatWALKERKid
Summary: Scully’s inner musings after the panel meeting and tells mulder she’s done with it all.
Relationships: Fox Mulder/Dana Scully
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	The pull of this tide can only drown

**Author's Note:**

> This little exploration is written for @dancingaboutarchitecture. You are my 1 in 5 billion friend and i am so grateful for my existence in your world.. All the vibes! 
> 
> Let me know what y’all think.. 
> 
> Melxx (@theQueerwriter)

* * *

She’d sat uncomfortably alone in a room full of people. The panel before her bit and spat at her, their words laced with venom, coating her existence in a sheen of invalidation. Her mind had swirling and worry had seeped through her into the pit of her stomach as she’d pulled out her chair, sat next to the empty one that Mulder should have been occupying and the meeting had begun. 

It wasn’t the first panel she’d sat in front of, needing to explain the dealings of her and her partner; needing to fight for her position in the world. It sat heavy in her chest that no matter how they had tried to do the right thing, how she had tried to hold to the strength of her convictions, it never seemed to be enough and the truth was always just out of reach; fingertips brushing its frayed edges. 

This time was different; it had nothing to do with the X-Files. She sat before these people having to explain why they had managed to find a bomb and save thousands of people. Of course it was bigger than that, Scully knew. It. came down to why they had been in the wrong building in the first place and why they couldn’t defuse the bomb. She was no damn bomb technician and the man who was, the man who had sent them away, didn’t get to defuse it either.If he couldn’t,neither she nor Mulder had no chance in hell. But that didn’t matter. The facts didn’t matter.

Fact. They’d found the bomb. 

Fact. They had evacuated the building and surrounding areas.

Fact. They had saved thousands of lives. 

No. None of it mattered. 

The needed someone to blame, to point fingers at over the deaths of some firemen and a boy, to pin this whole debacle on and they’d found there patsies. As the hearing had begun, Scully had known the outcome. This was going to be the end of it, and she was sitting here dealing with it alone. What had she expected though, this was Mulder, he would never stand up and play the good soldier, not even after what had happened in Dallas. 

Maybe it was good that he wasn’t here, Scully thought. It would make her looming decision easier but as her mind had slipped into the notion of what she was going to do, the door had swung open and Mulder had strolled in. Her heart had thrashed and her mind had begun to try and backtrack, to undo any and all thoughts she’d had about being done with all of this. But as quick as he’d arrived he had been banished from the room; if he could damn well be on time for things he’d not get thrown out of so many places! 

It took time and maybe it was for the best that Mulder hadn’t been in the room with her, to give the panel everything they’d needed, for them to come to the same path Scully had known to be their destination all along. She’d thanked them then, and she hadn’t been one hundred percent sure on why, but it felt like a bookend, like she was finished reading this one and now she had to go to another book store to pick another book to read. 

She’d opened the heavy door and slipped into the corridor to find Skinner and Mulder waiting for her just down the way. She lingered for a split second, her chest heavy with resignation and regret for not having been able to make a better go of all of this. She shook her head and dusted herself off like the good girl she was; you get back up and you keep going, nothing should ever hold you back. The words echoed in her mind, her fathers instilled wisdom kicking in once again. She walked over to them, tired and just about ready to crawl into her bed and sleep for the next few weeks.

“They’re asking for you sir.”

Skinner knew what was up as well. Scully caught it in the way his eyes lingered on them both before entering the room she’d just left.Now it was time to face Mulder; it pained her. Mulder was her partner but right now, it felt like she’d betrayed a friend, stopped him from doing everything humanly possible to achieve his goal. It stung. 

“Whatever you told them in there, you didn’t have to protect me.”

The words fell from Mulder’s lips a little harder than she’d been expecting; like it was her whole life’s mission to do so. It made her weary bones bristle a little. 

“All I told them was the truth.”

Scully scoffed internal. The truth? HA! All this time and the only truth they’d come to find was that they had never been close to it in the first place. She looked at Mulder, his eyes a darker shade than normal. 

“They’re trying to divide us on this Scully. We can’t let them.”

She was sure everything was a conspiracy to him now. But this was just the course of action they’d both knew to be an eventual possibility. 

“They have divided us. mulder. They’re splitting us up.”

The confusion on his face for a moment made Scully want to pull him into her arms, to comfort him. 

“What? What are you taking about?”

And as soon as any thoughts of trying to comfort him had arisen, they’d been sucked out of her by his perceived density. He really couldn’t be that clueless could he? He was smart, educated... brilliant and more often than not he couldn’t see that was right damn well in front of him. It gnawed are weary insides that she’d now have to explain it to him. 

“I meet with the OPR day after tomorrow for remediation and reassignment...”

Her voice had been flat, almost monotone. She’d just needed to get it out, let the words sit in the air. 

“Why...?”

Really? Had he really just asked her why? She didn’t have it in her to play this game with him, to pander to his lack of understanding for authoritative action.

“I think you must have an idea. They cited a history of problems relating back to 1993.”

Oh boy had there been problems. Not so much in their eyes but the powers that be could see the cracks forming, could tell that despite everything Mulder was not going to conform. She’d known it from the start as well. 

“They were the ones that put us together.”

Mulder’s words were heading towards frantic now, like he was in a car headed for a cliff and if Scully was honest she was driving this time. 

“Because they wanted me to invalidate your work, your investigations into the paranormal. But I think this goes deeper.”

Truer words had never left her lips before. Things did indeed run deeper, more than debunking his work, more than trying to reign this rogue agent in.

“This isn’t about you, Scully. They’re doing this to me.”

She’d shifted then, the bristling in her bones magnifying, building until the coil snapped. His self centred ways finally cutting the cord that tethered this whole thing together. Her mind swam with everything that had happened in the past, all of the things she’d sacrificed, given up or stopped doing all together, just because this man before her had requested she do so. 

No. This was most certainly not about him. She had made a choice. For herself, for what her life was now. 

“They’re not doing this, Mulder. I left behind a career in medicine because I thought I could make a difference at the FBI. When they recruited me they told me women made up nine percent of the bureau. I felt this was not an impediment, but an opportunity to distinguish myself. But it hasn’t turned out that way. And now, if I was to be transferred to Omaha, it Wichita or some field office where I’m sure I could rise, it just doesn’t hold the interest for me it once did. Not after what I’ve seen and done.”

The weight that had settled on her shoulders for the past few years finally began to fall away. She’d started this journey with so much promise, and ambition and now, if it were to be anything other than working with Mulder on the X- Files, it would be a waste of her time. He really couldn’t expect her to keep going, not after all she’d seen and done. With him. It crossed Scully’s mind that even though she’d made this decision for herself, he was a deciding factor, not getting to work with him, to search for the truth together. 

“You’re quitting.”

The penny finally dropped and Scully watched as his shoulders did as well. Resignation to the fact that he was most likely about to lose everything, his work, his files and his partner. It pained Scully it really did, but this ride was over and she wasn’t going to just go through the motions on the off chance she’d catch him in the hallways, smile at him in the line of the coffee cart. It wasn’t enough. 

“There’s really no reason left for me to stay anymore. Maybe you should ask yourself if your heart’s still in it too.”

It wasn’t a lie. What was left for her here if not her work with Mulder. It was all there was and now that was being taken away, she’d rather move on than be wanton for hope that things could bring them back together. She watched as a deep seeded hurt and sadness washed over him, like she’d just twisted the knife the bureau had already plunged into his back. It wasn’t her intention to hurt him, it never had been, but in this moment she was hurting too and he couldn’t see that, clouded by his own latent need to be secured, to have someone on his side. 

She was on his side. Always.

And if it took him feeling betrayed, abandoned and hurt to try and get him to understand that things were different now, then it would be a burden Scully would bear. 

“I’m sorry. Good luck.”

She was sorry. Sorry that she couldn’t help him more, that where they now stood with each other was a product of how little she trusted herself to be able to keep going with out him. She’d never built parts of herself out of anyone before, but what little Mulder did have he gave her willingly, unconsciously and she’d taken each piece; a reminder, a growth plate, an attachment to a world she’d never thought possible. 

Watching as he turned and walked away without another word, it struck her just how hurt she was as well. This wasn’t about him. It couldn’t be, not anymore. Everything was falling down around them and the rubble was going to be hard to move if she didn’t get a start on it now. This was a choice she needed to make, for her.. this wasn’t about him... The lie spun in her mind. She grabbed hold of it and plastered it over every single inch of her thought process. 

This was it. The x files were done, they weren’t going to be allowed to work together anymore. She was being transferred to some god forsaken corn field of hell, and she just couldn’t do it. Exist with out him in her work world.. in her life. This wasn’t about him. It wasall for her... he’d be fine.


End file.
